This blog site has been calling to me lately. I once couldn’t imagine a time when I didn’t stop to write something at least a few times a week. Now months go by. I guess once I really fell out of the habit, it just kept getting easier to let it be the thing for which I simply couldn’t find the time.
I’ve had a nagging thought lately that there are a very few things that I do just for myself, just because I really enjoy them, and just because they fuel me. Writing is one of those things. And it hasn’t escaped me how ridiculous it is that I have let go of it the way I have.
So … this is me, attempting to hold myself more accountable by putting in writing that I want to do more writing.
I just finished my fourth week in a new position at work. It was a fantastic opportunity and I have no doubt it was absolutely the right move for me. This job is an extension of what I was already doing, and opens a lot of new doors. The people in my new department actively recruited me and have completely rolled out the red carpet, constantly reminding me how happy they are that I have joined their team. “Thrilled” is the word they keep using, and I can’t begin to describe how grateful I am, and how fortunate I feel to have been given this chance. I’ve realized over the past few years that I simply like to work. I recognize that for most of my earlier years, I didn’t believe in my own potential, but once I got a taste of it, I began to truly appreciate having the chance to contribute to something meaningful, grow my skills, and keep feeding my mind. It hasn’t escaped my attention that I’ve been extremely fortunate to work in a place and with people who continue to help make this a daily reality.
I was very content with, not to mention confident in the work I was doing in my previous position, although I worked for a manager who created an atmosphere that felt much like being in kindergarten. To be fair, she allowed me a lot more breathing room than most – probably because she had little expertise in the work I was doing. So leaving me be was surely preferable to admitting her lack of knowledge. But I existed in her world every day, witnessing her micromanagement of the rest of the team, her inflated ego, and her utter lack of respect for the other very capable, intelligent adults under her direction. I have had good managers over the years, ones who know that empowering their employees is the secret to success. This one didn’t grasp that concept. Every day, I felt my coworkers’ discontent, listened to their frustrations, and was powerless to help. It was a toxic environment. And while I recognize that my old manager’s ways are likely rooted in her own insecurities, I, like many others before me, leapt at the chance to escape.
I’m still getting my feet wet in the new job. The department I’ve joined isn’t new, but recently reorganized, so I’m relieved to be coming in at a time when things are new and different for the whole team, not just me. One of my main responsibilities will be working in and helping steer the direction of a new system. Plus I’ll get to continue doing some of the work I most enjoyed in my previous position. I can work from home anytime I want, during any set of hours that suits me best. If I need to take time away for family or personal needs, I have all the freedom in the world. Because this is the polar opposite of my prior work environment, it almost seems too good to be true. But it is most certainly true.
So why have I felt so anxious lately? I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t been able to shut my mind off at night. A constant set of worries seems to be streaming through my mind and every little thing annoys me. I’ve seriously begun to wonder if I’m not capable of being happy unless I’m experiencing some sort of discontent!
I should mention that I am now a “remote” employee. I have always worked in my company’s Minnesota office, but the rest of my new team is based in the home office in Wisconsin. This past week, I traveled to the home office to do some training and spend time with my new peers. It was my first solitary work-travel experience, my first time ever in the home office, and it all played out so much better than I could have hoped. I was able to make in-person connections, and work side-by-side with my new team mates for a few days. I can only describe the whole experience as one of being utterly and completely welcomed into the fold. I guess I have a certain set of expectations for what my work life should be, and am always pleasantly surprised when relationships there go deeper than work. And that’s exactly what happened. I found my new coworkers to be so genuine and warm. They are truly a caring group of people and I was amazed at how quickly we bonded and found things in common with one another. A million times this week I have marveled at how fortunate I am to have been awarded this position.
Now that I’m home from my first work trip, it’s become clear why I’ve felt so uncertain and worried lately. I’ve been with this company and/or its affiliates for thirteen years. I’ve survived several reorganizations and much change. But in the past, whenever I’ve moved into a new role, I’ve always continued doing what I know and do best, with a few new responsibilities and expectations. This time, I’ve taken a small bit of the familiar with me, while facing a vast amount of new and uncertain experiences and expectations.
No wonder I’ve been such a wreck! An old habit of not believing in myself has reared its ugly head. Oh how I wish I could be one of those people who charges into every new life experience with confidence and certainty! That’s just never been me. I’ve always required my experiences to prove to that they’re not so scary before I embrace them.
Thankfully, I’m now able to see that the past month has been a journey … one that I’ve had to travel in order to see that no matter how old I get, there’s always room to continue growing and learning. The past week has allowed me to prove that I can go to an unfamiliar city, find my way around, present myself as an intelligent and capable person, and start to succeed in a new role. More importantly, I’ve learned how important it is to actually believe that I can succeed rather than feed my self-doubts. I’m glad to be reminded that change can be a good thing, and that turning new corners is vital to keeping life from growing stagnant. And the past two nights, I’ve slept like a baby!
My time away provided several team-building opportunities with my new department. Most revolved around lunches and dinners, but the best one was a yoga/mindfulness/meditation class. I was a bit skeptical and self-conscious at first, but tried not to let it show. I didn’t want to be the newbie who resisted anything different. And not surprisingly, the class proved to be an amazing experience … and much to my benefit, focused on dealing with stress and anxiety.
One thing I learned specifically from this class is the importance of self-care – those things we do for ourselves to keep us operating at our best so that we can be our best selves for those around us. Hence why I’m writing today, and hence (hopefully) more often from now on. Here’s to never standing still in one place for too long!